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Tuesday, 29 November 2011

In your absence I Thought...

The sound of my mother’s voice changed my mind.  After a long day of taking condolences sincere, my heart can only be dumbfounded by the genuine factor that eludes some of the characters that come my family’s way in this trailing time.  It is only God that knows about their motives.

I have changed my perception about people the day through and this is honestly because I am lost in my own world.  In this world, I just see people that will come to me to just tell me about their situations, this allows me to relate therefore, perhaps the subconscious grace of the situation offers a hand to my mind and allows me to believe what gestures people are coming to me with.  The situation in itself has exceeded what I have wanted to see from my own family members.  An innate obligation that has been brought forth by death has not been met adequately with differences in beliefs shone upon the ritual beliefs of all, that stand just in life, in the affirmation that has been given by the family name.  They, family members, look towards their own needs and wants as though they find life accomplished with dictating a proceeding that only life can present in a time that only the Almighty can offer.   Death.  This is what it is and it will remain that for a time that will be longer than all our thoughts put together with and exponential factor to it.  Hypocrites I would say, but my upbringing does not allow me to even raise that epiphany to all those that do not see it but stand in light of it because of the apparent opinion that all these members are privileged to.  I will say it again “that they are privileged to.”

I honestly have expected nothing from anyone that is outside of what my parents bore from the womb of my valor inspiring mother.  She has taught me with lessons unknown even to her, about the treasures and potholes that life presents.  It presents them in the example of the people that we spend time with, the differences we come across and them that we make part of who we are because we are constantly following in the hope of growing.  Following the trend, following the journey unknown, I’m talking about the journey less travelled by boys and girls that couldn’t find an apparent match.  It presents them in the situations we call trails and tribulations, the character developing moments in the life that we have inevitably borrowed.  It presents itself in the awe inspiring moment of the appreciation that we have once we have come into a life threatening circumstance and when we saw that our  life has come to an end…   It just presents itself in every moment we find our lives given to the day to do what it will with it.  I realized I have no control; I only have a thought in a mind that was made so powerful that at birth it was given a conscious and a subconscious.  The same mind that was given a reality and a dream, a day and night, a Me and a You.

 I cried in the thought that tears could liberate pain, but there I was again with a boyish ambition that life just took in and spat out with no second thought, I perceived.  I find that sleep cannot cure an insatiable need of knowledge and the knowledge which I seek to acquire boils down to the question that all man in history gives up on asking, WHY.  The debt of sorrow in my heart is settled by the numb feeling all my emotion has succumbed to.  Shouldn’t I, by now, feel and see the brighter light that everyone before my life altering circumstance speaks of or do they just speak of it and not know what it is because it is God that holds the lantern which He said only a few will find?

I am just tired of everyone telling me that it will be ok! I’ll find my own way.