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 I am trying to figure out what it is my heart is trying to find.  As my heart deeply meditates in the debates that go on in my mind, it strays to try finding something that I am not yet aware of

There is a void that fills it, that has it accompanied by a self-pity that sees and has no bunds.  “Who dares come into my house demanding I change who I am.  I am born of this right and I will, like a religion carry it out through all the ages I am carried in this heart.”  Self-respect  grows weaker and weaker by the infestation of sorrow that embeds itself to a suffering character, who’s credential now’ is drawn by the thought that exists as though it is immediate speech in an impromptu meet, the meaning of which is seen as reactive and nonproductive to self.  This futile horrors gloom consumes every impulse that propagates from the matter grey as thought, spits it not out but into that black hold void eliminating all hope for rescue for the inner child, who could have been the same voice that spoke as the universe stood in its awe, and said ‘LET THER BE LIGHT.’

Time is really teasing and fate is not funneling or harvesting happiness when you start seeing the colour of transparent in your life.  Bright is not bright when shades of black, grey, when in detail, should contrast circumstances to the spectrum of choice man is privileged to.  Day is not tomorrows light when today has not been dried of its possible worth.  The time, now, is joys fleeting emotion which needs to be kept alive by the embrace of each and every moment that life dines with your name at paradise table every-sec-ond.  The mind confides its expressions in the heart which sounds a monotone blue rhythm.  The esteem that liberates self seeks just a surge of positive to rearrange the tune that fabricates the very strand of life.

I heard once that our pasts make us who we are.   Is this true though?  Are we ERROR?  Are we lies and deceit?  Are we… ah man it just doesn’t matter somehow because we woke up to the people we are at this very moment.  Sadness has just refined my appreciation.

Truth

We all tell ourselves every day that we are better than yesterday and all that it brought, but truth of the matter is IT ALL DOESN’T MATTER if our "civil" self, which is the conscious is not settled in the mind (sub conscience), which is who we are.

I am 22 years old and I honestly feel that I have experienced all that mercy and grace can give to me and for my life, in each and every moment life is taken into my body with breath, it is more than emphasized that I am privileged to plenty.  There is still more to be offered which I imagine to be flawless and unexpected for my future which could be defined by this very moment I sit and write, to be sublime and interventional so I may grow and be better not only for myself but for those too I surround myself with.  That, in itself is a gesture given by mankind that goes beyond any physical gift that anyone can offer at any time of need.  Though the monument of help is seen in time of need, the deed is soon forgotten as the emotion of the gesture is relinquished to another trying time.  The two minds we have in one are at a battle that we do not feel but it leaves its remanence on our physical being.  Stress, anxiety, here and there there’s laughter, more stress and anxiety, we can all see it, and we can all feel it.

The delight of every lessoned learned succumbs to these foundation shakers as they pile beyond our building material of positivity, in every moment that is presented as hurt to us to blind us from the virtue that life is, which would not be as it is if we were not individuals.  Differences, perspectives, visions and all, spawn from this very fact, yet in our knowledge of this we still look to ourselves and contradict it in question of why or what you are not.  Life, HERSELF, is given life because of the great hand of the Almighty and our characters are what keep her alive and evolving.  “She could tell me she loves me once in a while you know?”  But we look sternly to that thought that our defining moment is what makes us belong to today, to this very moment that we are, when we are and wherever we are.

“My self-worth is ridiculed by what thoughts I have about how undeserving I am of such a pleasure that is privilege, in whatever form it comes, because it has greater substance in justification of what is happening at that time”…scdunn

At this moment I feel as though I don’t know what it is that I am to think, for myself at that matter.  We make the connection between the conscience and sub conscience when we try to reason with what is happening in our lives at times where we define our challenges as walls and constrictions, we then loose it in the debate we have within and forget that it is as intended by life.  Faced with one right now that wants to add its worth to my character,  I do what I do and take heed of things the way I do because my truth is I NEVER WANT TO LIVE IN WONDER.